


A love out of script [Kimilia]

by stormbornchild



Category: British Actor RPF, Game of Thrones RPF
Genre: F/M, Game of Thrones - Freeform, Jonerys, kimilia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-07-27 23:37:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16229666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormbornchild/pseuds/stormbornchild
Summary: “I think they both know it's wrong, I think they both know it's going to cause problems. But it's that thing, when you suddenly feel that deeply about someone and you though those events together. It's like a runaway train, you can't stop it from happening...”





	1. Back to black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this story just as an one shot inspired in Amy Winehouse's song, but some friends asked me to continue, so here is it. My apologies if something is wrong with the text because English is not my native language. Thank you for read it. ;)

**Aberdeen, June 2018.**

The dawn light crept slowly through the curtains of Emilia's room, while she refused to accept that this day had finally arrived.

She opened her eyes, still stunned by the insistent sound of her phone on the side of her bed and knew that from that moment, she began to face the hard reality that the weak rays of the sun brought with it.

She remained staring at the ceiling for a while, as If she were really exhausted, with her mind completely empty. Since she had boarded the plane the day before, she had asked herself the same question over and over again.

_“What am I doing...?”_

She stretched her arms to reach her phone that hadn't stopped ringing and turned it off, a long day was waiting for her and she had to get up even If she didn't feel good, suddenly considering the idea of running away back to London. But once again, the commitment was above her own wishes; she knew that seeing him marry, after what both had done, would end up destroying that little illusion she still had.

She felt dirty and selfish for wanting things to be different, a spark of regret crossing her thoughts every time she thought about the wedding. Every time Rose's face appeared in her mind and reminded her of how cynical she had been when she asked her If she knew why Kit had changed his attitude after leaving Belfast.

Emilia returned to reality when her bare feet touched the cold floor of her room, she could see that the day was especially warm and sunny; the opposite of how she really felt. She walked to the bathroom and after the mirror returned the reflect of a pale Emilia with dark circles under her eyes, she sighed and undressed.

_“We only said goodbye with words...”_

She went under the shower, letting her thoughts go back to the past, just when she thought nothing could be worse.

After a lousy week, she had been forcibly dragged by her friends to a bar in London; she felt that she could relax with a little bit of alcohol in her veins and the company of the people who had been at her side since before her fame. And that's how she forgot her pain for a moment, laughing at old stories and anecdotes that surrounded her private social circle.

Until she felt how her heart fell at her feet when she saw him enter in the same place with his girlfriend holding his arm. Emilia's smile faded as her mind worked at a thousand per hour, trying to find a good excuse to escape before being seen by both.

But it was too late; Rose had already seen her and decided to come over to greet, Kit did it out of courtesy, clearly uncomfortable. And to her bad luck, her own friends had invited them to sit at her table. Emilia wanted to disappear, to return to the solitude of her room, while she avoided the inquisitive look of the redhead.

She used her talent as an actress and greeted them as best she could, wanting to hang her friends with her own hands, feeling nervous and extremely guilty for what she had done almost two months ago with her co-star, during the recordings of the eighth season.

The last time hadn't been the first of both, but something had changed after that night. She wasn't sorry, but the guilt tormented her every time the night came and she was alone in any room where her work forced her to sleep, or even in her own room. She didn't know, but not even the night of the Golden Globes, or in Italy during the D&G promotions, in any of those times she felt a bad person as with the last cold night in Ireland.

The atmosphere had suddenly become tense, so she apologized saying that she would go to the loo, and believing that the night couldn't give her any more unpleasant surprises, Rose offered to accompany her.

For a moment, her blue-green eyes met Kit's dark gaze as she got up, but he pulled it away quickly, concentrating on the drink in front of him. They walked in silence and it was Rose who tried to start a conversation with her, she could still remember the doubt in her eyes and the sad face when she confessed that Kit had not been the same, being distant and cold since they were reunited, after she returned from New York.

Emilia listened attentively, feeling dizzy and with a pressure in her chest that didn't allow her to breathe. She didn't even have to think to know why Kit had started behaving that way, and it was all her fault. She wanted to go back to the past and control herself before ending up in bed with one of her best friends again, every night she wondered what had led her to it after promising herself that she would not do it anymore, but in the end, she always found herself without answers.

The warm water ran through every part of her body, while she lay leaning against the cold tiles, caressing her arms with a sponge that began to press hard on her skin, as If that helped to remove all those mixed feelings inside her that didn't they did more than torment her every day, after what had happened. Trying to erase every trace of that night, that warm body against hers, the wet kisses, the caress of her swollen lips on his skin bristling with sensations that she already knew well.

_“I died a hundred times...”_

She left the bathroom after what seemed like an eternity, with her hair dripping and her skin smoky. She decided to dress herself; had rejected her stylist help, claiming she wanted to do it alone, a simple dress with delicate details had been her choice, combined with a light pink coat, she brushed her blonde hair that was started to taking his natural color in the roots and let it dry slowly.

There were still hours to leave the hotel, so she busied herself having breakfast first and talking to her mom on the phone. She refused to check her social media, fearing to see things that would appear sooner or later, but the longer she could delay it, was better. The minutes seemed to stretch too far, and when the moment finally began to approach, she dressed and brushed back her hair, feeling slightly nervous.

_“What am I doing...?”_

• • •

Emilia's surprise was big as the car approached the modest church where the ceremony would take place, nothing that several reporters and paparazzi stood in the entrance with cameras to record everything, she frowned and looked at Peter, who was sitting with his wife at his side.

— Wasn't it supposed to be private? —she asked confused.

— You said it, it was supposed —Peter grumbled —. I'm tired of always being behind us in exchange for some stupid photos.

— Peter, please —his wife said on the other side and Emilia looked out the window again.

— Now I must act, looking very happy to be here —he huffed, looking out when the vehicle had already stopped on a stone path.

Emilia agreed with him, but she said nothing. She had been the first to refuse to go, but the rumors that were already running everywhere could explode before that action.

She knew that part of the cast was not very happy with that union either, but they could never imagine Emilia's personal motive for not attending.

Or so she thought.

Emilia's smile automatically crossed her face when she got out of the car, just before some flashes were fired towards her, she looked at Peter for the last time, and he gave her a look that she did not know how to interpret.

She walked greeting to some people and quickly entered the place, with her hands palms sweating and her heart beating fast inside her chest.

In the middle of so many people that she did not know, nobody seemed to pay attention to her and she felt grateful, at least that way she could disguise her nervousness. But her tranquility was short lived when Peter met her again at the church entrance.

— You're nervous —he said, sticking his hands in his pants pockets.

— What? —Emilia asked, surprised.

— You have lines on your forehead when you're nervous —Peter said, raising an eyebrow. He had worked with her for years, so much that he had learned most of her gestures —. And don't you dare to deny it.

— Okay, I am —she accepted, knowing that she could not lie to Peter. For a moment she felt herself as Daenerys, scrutinized by Tyrion's inquisitive gaze — And...? Not every day I go to a wedding and a good friend marries.

— Good friend... of course —Peter cleared his throat and looked away from her, as If he was looking for someone.

— What's your problem? —Emilia asked, feeling a cold sweat slip under the back of her dress.

— I think that you should ask it to yourself, what did you come for? —Peter stared deep into her and felt unarmed, but he could not prove it.

_“What am I doing...?”_

The words drowned in her throat as her eyes met Kit's figure a few feet away, dressed elegantly in a dark tuxedo and lighter pants. He wasn't looking at her, but his face lacked emotion, he definitely did not look like a boyfriend about to join his life to the life of the woman he loved.

It was everything, except that.

Emilia's heart skipped a beat when he turned his face and saw her standing in the doorway, wearing a pale rose coat and blond hair tousled. He couldn't be doing that, he should be next to her... she should be the bride at that wedding.

After all they lived together.

Emilia tried not to cry when his gaze fixed on hers, she loved him and had taken too long to realize and accept it, but the fate had decided to keep them away and avoid exceeding the line of friendship that only a few nights they had ignored.

She looked away and walked with trembling legs under her dress, she could not be so weak, let alone drop her defenses in front of him. Shortly after the ceremony began, Emilia had decided to sit as far as possible, accompanied by Peter and his wife on one side and Maisie and Sophie on the other, who seemed to have fallen from the sky to distract her for a moment.

Her mind wandered in the middle of her memories as the bride entered for the hallway accompanied by her father, her heart squeezed at the thought of her dad and the fact that maybe she would never marry someone who really wanted her.

_“You go back to her and I go back to us...”_

She swallowed hard and forced herself to smile, Kit remained motionless on the altar, his eyes lost somewhere. From her position, she could see perfectly his serious face and wondered If he would look the same way If she were in Rose's place; but she frightened those thoughts as quickly as they appeared. Maisie seemed to notice her discomfort and squeezed one of Emilia's hands with hers, Emilia looked away to her and the girl smiled as If to tell her that everything would be fine.

And then, she realized that all of her partners knew it, the looks of compassion began to hurt more than sharp knives stuck in her chest. Because, apparently, she had been the last to know that she was hopelessly in love with the man who was marrying in front of her, with another woman.

A familiar sensation assaulted her, despair overcame her mind and her hands began to tremble slightly, while the ceremony took its course, inside her many memories revolved like an endless spiral.

_“What am I doing...?”_

She remembered the first year they met and quickly became very close friends, so much so that they spent each day side by side, while the first season was filmed. A time when she had been happy without knowing it, when she could not ask for anything more to life.

She reflected for a few seconds that everything would be different If she had only dared to confess what she had begun to feel that afternoon when they had both decided to take photos of a cold sunset, at that time so far away, in Belfast. Her thoughts guided her through her good memories; their parties and drunkenness, the sleepless nights and the countless jokes, the nights of laughter when they studied their scripts for the seventh season, the way she tried to get a smile from him knowing that he didn't smile much.

And somehow, she always got him to do it.

As the priest's voice echoed throughout the church, her mind was dull with memories, many of them about Kit and herself. She felt the anticipation of tears in her eyes when they started to burn and she looked down into her lap, embarrassed. Then the words she was avoiding to hear came to her like a cyclone, bringing her back to reality.

_“Do you accept her as your wife...?”_

She did not keep hearing the rest when Kit's dark eyes drifted toward the audience, desperately searching for her as If that could change what was about to happen, what he was about to say.

_“You went back to what you knew, so far remove from all that we went through...”_

Everything happened very quickly, his gaze fixed on hers when he finally found her, as If he had to look at her to dare to speak, as If he were apologizing to her for all the damage he knew was causing him, then a painful _"Yes"_ escaped from his lips, almost in a whisper.

Emilia blinked once and twice, then the first tear fell, sliding down her pale cheek and she wiped it so fast that nobody had time to notice. Then her lips curved in a defeated smile and she looked at her fingers, where she caressed the ring that covered the knot tattoo that hid underneath.

_“I love you much, it's not enough...”_

Then everyone began to applaud, but it was difficult for her to keep her smile forced, all she wanted was to be in the room of her house in Hampstead, enclosed with the only thing she still had left; her memories.

She decided not to pay attention to something in particular and avoided having eye contact with him, when the newlyweds left the church she was already making her way out with Peter on her heels, people she did not know were throwing flower petals the new couple who walked a path to reach an obsolete car, Emilia could not feel more out of place at that time, hurt, frustrated and ridiculous.

_“What was I thinking...?”_

He would never fight for her, for both of them, more than ever she was sure that she had been the only stupid one to believe that everything could have changed, whatever they had, was nothing more than a night's fun after an abundant amount of alcohol. But the look he gave her shortly before accepting Rose left her confused.

_“What had that been?”_

She would never know.

Staying in the room for longer would cause more suffering to her than she had already felt, then she decided to apologize and disappear from the reception that would follow, anyway no one would notice... no one needed her there, or actually, nobody ever did it.

She told Peter that she would leave because she was not feeling well and he accepted, with a melancholy smile towards her, only whispered a “take care” and Emilia nodded, moving away from everything that had finally happened in that place, away from those people, moving away from him.

• • •

No more than ten minutes passed when the car's tires stopped in front of the hotel where she was staying, her flight was marked only for the next day, early in the morning. For what she would have all afternoon free in that place that suddenly seemed undesirable.

_“You go back to her and I go back to us...”_

Emilia locked her room's door, she deposited her purse and coat on the side table and dropped down at the foot of her huge bed, slowly removed her shoes from her heels with the help of her fingers, and finally she crawled on the white sheets.

_“We only said goodbye with words...”_

She stretched her arms to the small table at the side of the headboard and opened a small drawer, from which she removed an unused tablet of sleeping pills, she pressed the metal paper with her fingers and removed two small white circles that she put in her mouth and swallowed without the help of water, she felt extremely tired, despite having rested several days after her last scenes in Belfast.

And unintentionally, she had realized that those same pills had prevented during the last month that her heart was breaking a little more at night. She turned her body, looking towards the window that let in even the light of day and then, the tears that she was avoiding spilling began to flow, falling one after another without filters or permits.

_“I died a hundred times...”_

She left the pills on the table again and then she saw the little notebook on a pile of books she had decided to bring with her, she hadn't even bothered to keep it so she wouldn't forget it when she left the hotel the next morning.

Emilia took a pen and opened the diary just where she had stopped writing the last time, and with her hesitant pulse, she scribbled the first words on the empty page as If she were talking to him.

_“Even though it had been a nice day, that was not what I felt when I saw you so close to me and at the same time so far...”_

And the tears full on her eyelashes began to fall on her cheeks again.

_“And I'm wondering myself at what point did I become so weak...? I guess I'll never be the same again, not after having loved and failed in the attempt to be loved, because at some point I thought we were meant to be...”_

A drop of a tear soaked the paper over the word _“be”_ and she cleaned it with her finger, leaving the ink blurred, then she continued writing.

_“... after everything we lived together. I know it will take me time to accept it, while I'll try to stay away from you, because we both know that she never deserved everything we did, we both know that neither you nor I are obliged to cling to something that does not belong to us, I was the only who understood it so late...”_

_“And in the end I will always be here, as the friend you always thought I was for you, even If it means suffering in silence, because in some way it's the things we love that destroy us... and now I know that.”_

Fatigue and sleep began to win the battle to her as the effects of the pills were present, she closed the diary blowing her nose and put the object back in its place, then she laid her head on the pillows and curled up in a fetal position in the middle of the bed. She didn't mind wrinkling the expensive dress that covered her body.

Her pillow was soaked under her cheek against the cloth, but she had stopped crying and the sticky furrows that the tears had left began to dry on her face.

_“You go back to her...”_

The last memory that appeared in her mind was the last time she really embraced Kit, when they both lay naked between the sheets of a hotel room, he asleep and she felt how his incipient beard tickled her neck skin, seeing how his chest moved with each breath, she approached her warm body to his and a smile was drawn on her lips, with her cheeks still red, feeling like a child; fortunate to have him, then she thought that at least, she had tasted the momentary happiness during that night.

The last one. And everything was over, as fast as it had come.

_“And I go back to... I go back to...”_

Emilia closed her eyes, letting herself be carried away by the nebula that enveloped her senses, to a world where there was no love or pain, where she could detach herself for a few hours from the chaotic and disappointed life that sometimes seemed impossible to her to control, being received by the calm and silence that her soul shouted in need, then her forces began to wane, slowly extinguishing like a sparkling light, disappearing into the shadows.

_“I go back to black...”_


	2. What about us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here I am, writing another chapter about them with a bit of smut, thank you so much for read it, also for the kudos and comments in the last chapter, enjoy. ;)

**Belfast, June 2018.**

The scandalous sound of the music echoed in every corner of the place where a wrap party was held, organized by Thrones production. All had been cordially invited to enjoy the party that remained, before the end of the last season of the tv show.

Exactly one week after getting married, Kit was already in high blood alcohol levels when it was barely past midnight. He had arrived in Belfast in the same afternoon and barely had an interest in greeting his friends and co-stars that night when he was already making his way to the bar, looking for something strong to drink.

It was then that a peculiarly familiar figure called his attention to the other side and without hesitation he approached to her. Her blond hair had been almost in the past, being replaced again by the same color that he had always loved.

 _"Are you going to start again...?"_ he scolded himself internally at that thought.

Emilia wore a simple black dress that wrapped her curves, while a glass of wine hung between her fingers, her eyes lost in the crowd that danced euphorically in front of her. But as quickly as she realized his presence, a smile appeared on her lips and her eyes seemed to light up in the darkness that enveloped them.

— Hey! But it's Jon Snow! —she greeted him with her typical accent that made him smile for the first time in the day.

— How are you her Majesty, the Mother of Dragons? —he questioned in response, a mocking tone almost unrecognizable in his voice.

Before she could answer, she went to him and held him, as she could, in a kind of hug. He was taller than her and had always favored himself about jokes, even If he wasn't very good for them; that the entire cast, even the youngest, could overcome her in terms of height.

For a moment he allowed his thoughts to fly to the past, while the seventh season was filmed on the beach that would be portrayed as Dragonstone in the show, during one of the scenes of the walk that Daenerys had to perform in front of him and the others after leaving the cave.

He used to sing a song to annoy her, and although she seemed angry about that, he knew that she loved to hear him singing that song just for her, mainly the final part of the chorus where he sang it so loud that everyone could hear it.

" _Sing a new song, Chiquitita._ _Try once more like you did before. Sing a new song, Chiquitita..."_

 _"That's why all our friends always said that when we're together, we look like children on the set..."_ she said, rolling her eyes but smiling internally.

_"You're the child here, Chiquitita..."_

Then everyone laughed and Emilia looked apparently angry before ignoring him.

He smiled with that memory and separated from her, they were dangerously close and their eyes had connected as they hadn't done so long ago. It had only been a week and he felt as If he hadn't seen her in months.

— I've missed you —she said as she raised her glass to her lips, finishing off the dark liquid in one gulp.

— Me too —he confessed, and trying to sound funny, he added —, but If you keep drinking like that, I doubt we can enjoy the party without you falling asleep in the corners.

— I won't —Emilia twisted the lips in a funny way —. I came to have fun and I won't leave without having done it.

She took one of Kit's hands and dragged him to the bar to get more alcohol, he felt a little apprehensive about being so close to Emilia, who didn't seem to mind at all; but after a long time working and being stressed by his personal problems, he decided that he wouldn't refuse to enjoy the night with one of her _best friends_ , who was already stunned by the drink.

— And...? —Emilia asked after passing him the second shot of tequila in the middle of the din of the party, with the curious look on him.

— What? —Kit asked, confused.

— You look pretty tired to say you're still on your honeymoon —she said, and regretted it as quickly as the last word ended —. I mean... you know.

A red blush began to rise up Emilia's neck, until it reached her cheeks and she blamed the alcohol for her sudden loss of touch with her words, but Kit knew her too well and knew that this conversation would come sooner or later, but he felt that this time wasn't the right.

— I think isn't the time and the place to talk about that —he commented, before letting the drink burn his throat.

Emilia had never felt so pathetic as at that moment, she shouldn't mention anything related to his marriage, since he looked uncomfortable with it and tried to apologize, failing in the attempt.

— I'm sorry —she stammered, swallowing the clear liquid in one gulp. Kit laughed when he saw how her red face twitched at the sensation of tequila.

_"Oh Clarke, If you only knew..."_

— Forget it —he said with a mocking laugh on his lips —, there will be time to talk about it.

— You're right —Emilia whispered, with a more than forced smile —. Well, let's dance.

She took his arm and tried to take him to the dance floor where many of his friends were jumping and screaming to the rhythm of the music.

" _Won't you come to me amor? Don't you want to dance with me...?"_

— Wait! What...? —he shouted so she could hear him —. Emilia, you know I'm not good dancing.

— Oh, please —she pleaded, pouting with her lips and raising her eyebrows —. It's just a dance, Kitten.

" _Let the music set you free, let the rhythm in your soul..."_

He couldn't say no at that time, as he could never say no to her. Minutes later, both had already been lost in the middle of the crowd.

" _Past the point of letting go. Passion in the summer heat..."_

The music sounded loud, rumbling in their ears while they were having fun on the dance floor; They felt ecstatic, tired and sweaty, but there was no way to stop them.

" _Skin to skin and beat to beat."_

Kit couldn't stop looking at her in front of him and wondering why he hadn't married the woman with the most contagious laugh, the one who made her blue-gold eyes disappear behind her cheeks when she smiled, the only one who had agreed to be only his friend after everything they had done together in the past.

" _Let your body go..."_

They returned to the bar to drink more shots and some beers, and when the DJ invited them both to go on stage they could no longer think clearly, as the half of the people at the party.

— I know that song! —she shouted excited to him when the Game of Thrones main theme remixed hit the speakers loudly.

Emilia tried to take pictures and videos of the moment, but she failed because of her terrible balance, their friends shouted and clapped from the ground when they saw that Kit had taken the DJ's place on the stage.

They returned to dance to the rhythm of the electronic music and the colored lights passed quickly on their faces at every moment; they had fun like never between laughs, jokes and a lot of alcohol, together. And in the midst of her drunkenness, Emilia remembered the sadness she had felt exactly a week ago, while one of her best friends joined his life to a woman who hadn't been her.

She slid her sweaty hands across her phone screen when she collapsed, exhausted, on a chair in front of the bar and saw that it was already past three in the morning and she asked internally at what moment the time had gone.

Emilia decided it had been enough for her, she had to sneak between people and flee to her hotel without anyone noticing, but she couldn't do it alone. Right at that moment Kit sat next to her, and she thought that perhaps nothing would happen If she asked him for help to get to her room.

Maybe...

• • •

  
They entered laughing at the floor where Emilia's room was, after the elevator doors opened in front of them, revealing a deserted corridor on the other side. Emilia staggered to the door, slipped a hand inside her little bag and withdrew the card, still laughing over some stupid joke she had said on the way to the hotel, while Kit felt that the alcohol effects were starting to cause he was avoiding when his eyes were fixed on Emilia's figure, covered by that black dress.

" _Kit Harington, stop."_

She turned suddenly, fixing her clear eyes on his and then slowly lowering them to her lips.

_"Damn..."_

Emilia looked extremely pretty with her disheveled hair, her skin pearled with sweat and blurred mascara under her lashes, then his mind began to produce unseemly thoughts.

" _What's wrong with you?"_ he asked himself.

As If was in a dream, Emilia moved closer to him, still looking at his full pink lips, and without warning, she kissed him.

 _"I had to do it, at least for the last time"_ she said to herself.

Kit tried to stay strong not to follow the kiss, because he was surprised and drunk, but everything was forgotten when Emilia slid her lips to the lobe of his left ear, she smiled with her eyes closed and pulled away. Then he saw her, her sad face but with eyes full of desire and something he was unable to interpret.

— Damn, Clarke —Kit closed his eyes, feeling how his cock on his pants wanted to respond to that, he squeezed Emilia's waist and pulled her closer to him —. Don't provoke me like that.

Suddenly he realized where they were and what they were doing, the danger of being discovered made him shiver and he broke away from her abruptly. Emilia laughed without humor and came back to him.

— What...? Are you afraid of me, Harington? —then Kit thought that without doubt, Emilia had been the most affected by alcohol.

— At least you're aware of where we are? —he questioned, trying to look serious, when he was dying inside, laughing at her red cheeks and the way he looked at him from her height —. And what were we doing? —he emphasized.

— Of course —she stammered, moving her eyebrows —, we are in a hotel... to the bachelor party that I couldn't give you before.

Kit's smile faded from his face with those words, for the first time Emilia was looking at him deeply; her sudden good humor had vanished as quickly as it had arrived and he did not know how to react. She came closer again without taking her eyes off his, and it was at that moment; the few drops of judgment he still possessed, disappeared.

_"I should not do it... this is wrong."_

He held her as If he never wanted to lose her, squeezing her small body in his arms and feeling the soft scent of her hair.

" _Shut up now."_

— I love you, Clarke —he said against her hair.

— Please, stop —she whispered feeling the tears gathering in her eyes.

She walked away and looked back at him, with her eyes already clouded with tears. Being sober, he had never been very sincere like that with her and knowing that fate hadn't been on her side, and that it never would be, that broke her heart a little more.

— You'll better go —she said as she opened the door of her room.

— Wait —he said touching her arm.

— No, Kit. I just can't —she said in a trembling voice, trying to believe in her own words, even If her body said otherwise.

— Are you sure? —he asked approaching at her again —because I just know that I can't let you go tonight —he whispered again and his hot breath caressed her face and then he kissed her again on the lips.

" _I'm not sure about you, about us"_ she thought while she pulled away from him again.

Kit quickly opened the room's door and locked it securely inside, he turned and saw her standing in front of him, not knowing what to do, as If sanity had returned suddenly. Neither needed to say anything, they approached slowly and awkwardly, like inexperienced lovers.

Kit closed his eyes, trying not to pay attention to his thoughts, but he went crazy when Emilia's breath mixed with his, smelled of wine and beer, mixed with vodka and lemon, then he knew what he wanted when his lips tasted hers with urgency.

He ran his hands down Emilia's back, down to her bottom and pulling her to his chest, while his mouth merged with hers, as If they had never kissed before. Emilia caressed with her fingers Kit's chest, on his t-shirt and going down to the hem, then she put her hand inside the garment.

They parted, breathing hard and with swollen lips, she looked at him tenderly, and her hands that were previously occupied under his clothes, reappeared to caress his cheek softly, as If she wanted to record with her touch every inch of his face.

" _That's so wrong..."_ her mind screamed to her.

And it was the drop that filled the glass, Kit pressed her against his body, strong and determined, kissing her full in the mouth, interlacing his tongue with hers, letting himself be carried away by the effects of the alcohol that had taken over his senses, as well as Emilia who seemed to be totally at his mercy.

Kit guided her to the small bar in the room, pressing her against the balcony and the wall, running his hands over her body, while his wet lips made contact with the soft skin of her neck. Emilia let herself go, resting her head back, giving him more access to her skin, then Kit sensed that her hands had returned inside of his t-shirt and quickly got rid of her.

Emilia opened her eyes and smiled mischievously, remembering the times when she had joked about his six pack and turning around against the wall, she allowed Kit to see the zipper of the dress tight to her small body.

— Could you help me? —she asked in a whisper.

Kit smiled, hugging her from behind, firmly, pulling her closer to him, so she could feel his growing erection inside his pants. Emilia gasped and rested her head back, meeting Kit's shoulder, then she tipped her bottom, rubbing it against his limb with subtlety.

Kit couldn't help but let out a moan that escaped from his lips, went in the direction of the zipper and began to lower it slowly. Emilia closed her eyes as she felt Kit's hands sliding over her skin, down to the end of her back, lowering the zipper of her dress, feeling his fingers rise up to her shoulders, to delicately lower the sleeve of her dress down for her arms.

— You're beautiful —a smile grew on Kit's lips as he admired the skin on her back, stained with tiny moles.

Emilia turned to him and he took a step back, observing her, she was practically naked, as she wasn't wearing a bra, revealing her perfectly round breasts with her erect and pink nipples. Then, she herself was responsible for removing what was left of the dress still imprisoned at her waist.

His eyesight went straight down from her belly to the V between her legs, that was covered by a black underwear. Emilia couldn't look away from Kit, she thought that at any moment she would die of anxiety If he didn't touch her.

He approached again, kissing her on the mouth, making the skins of their naked chests join, causing groans to Emilia because of the electricity that ran between them. Kit's hand went to her left breast and he broke the kiss to look into her eyes, eyes that were a very dark and intense blue, full of lust.

— I can imagine myself with your breasts in my mouth —he whispered with a hoarse voice, Emilia moaned again when she felt his finger pressing her sensitive nipple — What do you think?

Kit was going over the edge, and she loved it. Emilia would have an orgasm at any time If he didn't stop playing with her.

— I think you're going to kill me If you do not touch me —she breathed hardly —. Kit...

Kit fixed his gaze on hers, so intense that Emilia shuddered. It didn't take long for her left breast to flare as he massaged the right and squeezed her nipple with his fingers. And If not touched left her ecstatic, be it was leading her to delirium, Emilia released him and placed her hands on the wall behind her, rising more and raising her waist, trying to have more contact with his erection between her legs.

He was still caressing her and hearing her moan faster and faster, when suddenly Emilia pushed him, separating him from her breasts, Kit looked at her surprised but it wasn't for long as she put her mouth on his.

— I want you right now... inside of me —she whispered, almost pleading against Kit's lips.

Kit pressed her against the wall again, making her gasp one more time, and caressing her left breast, not wanting to stop provoking her, not after discovering that she was crazy for it. He slipped his warm tongue over the soft skin of her breast and felt Emilia sink her fingers into the dark curls of his hair, followed by a moan when he sucked her nipple, then he changed to her other breast.

Every minute Emilia was wetter, and when Kit finished with his torture, he left a wet kiss in the middle of her naked breasts, lowering his mouth slowly towards her black panty, nibbling the lower part of her belly causing Emilia to open her legs to the sides, arching the back, still pressing hard on Kit's curled loops.

He pressed his fingers to Emilia's inner thighs, thrusting them through the soaked fabric of her underwear, then he shuddered when he heard her moan his name, suspending her head, looking up at the ceiling.

— Look at me —he said hoarsely, she lowered her head, facing his completely dark eyes.

Emilia was not able to hide her surprise when she saw him bite the only cloth that covered her body, felt even stronger pulsations in her wet walls, begging for attention, needing to feel him there.

Once the garment left her body, he looked again at the V between her legs now completely naked, Emilia stretched it up with force, unable to continue to endure the patience with which he was torturing her, then she curled her short legs around Kit's waist and kissed him again on the lips, brushing her point of pleasure with the growing bulge in his pants, making him moan.

He lowered his fingers to the folds of her wet pussy, Emilia contorted with that contact, moaning in response, then her hands went up, once more, to Kit's hair, stretching them as she turned him, while he took advantage of her to corner her even more against the wall. His fingers massaged her clit slowly in circles, which caused her to tighten her fingers, which had descended to Kit's shoulders, sinking her nails painfully onto his skin.

With each movement, he pressed Emilia's waist harder against the wall and her own body. Kit lowered a little more fingers that previously were taking care of her in another place, penetrating her with a torturous slowness, while his thumb took care of the massages in her sensitive knot, Emilia bite Kit's lower lip that was still in contact with her mouth.

He felt that he was going to explode at any moment If he didn't enter her as soon as possible, he increased the movements of his fingers inside her and at the same time on her clit, while she moved her waist in a constant swing. Emilia felt her orgasm break through quickly, and with that intensity that Kit was using with her, she would soon reach the top, but just being close, he stopped, making her release curses in a low voice.

— Please... —she murmured.

She took Kit's face in her hands, kissing him with despair, begging him not to stop. He grabbed her by the thighs and completely wobbled because of the alcohol, he walked to the bed with her.

They fell into it, splintering their mouths apart, Kit took the opportunity to take off his shoes, socks and finally his pants, leaving Emilia the perfect view of his underwear to burst. Then she opened her legs to accommodate him between them, and their mouths met again without discussion.

Emilia slipped her tongue over Kit's lips, feeling the unbearable pressure between her thighs, feeling the sour taste of alcohol on his breath, the taste of the beers that had been forgotten by both at the party.

Emilia hugged Kit's legs with hers, moving beneath him, brushing her intimacies, feeling Kit's hard cock as he moaned in response over his mouth. He stopped the kiss, looking her straight in the eyes, trying to see some sign of repentance, but all he could see was desire.

— Kit, please... —he begged.

The silence of the dawn reigned in the room, but quickly the moans and the unstressed breaths of both appeared; the sweat and desire to have each other. Kit kissed Emilia's naked breasts once again, which were hard-tipped because of the stimulation they had received, he slid the tip of his nose down, through the smooth skin of her belly to the inside of her legs, in her damp pussy.

Emilia felt Kit's warm breath in her sensitive area, and immediately knew that she was going to enjoy that, as never before. She returned to reality when she felt Kit's tongue travel over her clit sensitivity, and she couldn't contain the loud moan that escaped from inside her throat.

She had almost screamed with that touch, her fingers closed tightly on the sheets that covered the bed, her two hands pressing them while her back rested on the mattress.

— Look at me —Kit ordered in a hoarse voice, full of pleasure.

Emilia raised her torso, holding her elbows deep in the mattress, fixing her gaze on Kit's, and her eyes widened as she watched him lower his mouth between her legs without cutting off the visual contact between them. They were facing each other, she had a piercing look and slightly swollen lips parted, breathing erratically.

" _Damn, Clarke, I'm going to cum before I fuck you If you keep looking at me like that"_ he thought, but he didn't say anything.

Then she brought her head back without being able to contain the moans that released her lips, weak moans that echoed in that room where there was no longer silence. Kit played with her clit, moving his tongue from one side to the other, while a finger penetrated her with force, Emilia felt a tingling take over her legs, which quickly happened to feel like electric waves in her belly and her walls, making it reach the highest point of pleasure.

— Kitten...

Her body collapsed on the mattress, moaning loudly as ecstasy invaded her senses, her hands releasing the crumpled sheets in her fists little by little, as she closed her eyes. Kit came up again, kissing her in the mouth, while her last clothes left his body completely.

— Inside me... —she moaned, trying to focus her vision when she opened her eyes.

Kit ran his index finger between her folds, while his eyes remained fixed on hers.

— Feel how delicious you are —he said, taking his finger to Emilia's mouth, who looked at him with pure desire.

Emilia licked her tongue sensually over Kit's finger, licking it, making him lose the control completely. Once again her lips met with violence, devouring every part of her mouth and her naked body beneath his.

Emilia dropped her hands down Kit's back, running her nails over his skin, scratching it, showing how desperate she was to feel him. Kit lifted her body a little, leaning on one elbow, positioning himself in the middle of her legs, slowly going down, penetrating her.

She almost cried of pleasure when she felt him slowly burying inside her, completing, filling her, totally losing the senses. Kit began to move inside Emilia with a slow and torturous rhythm, provoking her, while she dug her nails into his back.

— Fuck you, Harington... —she said between moans.

— I want you to feel me inside —he whispered hoarsely, his voice breaking and looking into her eyes.

Kit moved slowly, retreating completely to bury himself in her again, neither of them able to control the moans that flooded the room at that moment. Kit couldn't even feel inside the planet, being inside Emilia gave him an inexplicable pleasure, something he had never felt before, in the middle of the darkness.

Little by little he was increasing the speed and intensity of his thrusts, causing Emilia's body to writhe under his. She wrapped Kit's waist with her legs, opening them more, giving him space to go deeper into her, making her small breasts bouncing every time he reached inside and back out again, the heat enveloping them both, while he felt how Emilia shuddered under his weight.

Kit knew that it would not last long either, he was on the edge of collapse, he lifted one of his hands to Emilia's left breast, kneading it. Then he continued to climb, until her neck was completely drenched with sweat, caressing it. He moved his hand away and it supported him on the mattress, to propel himself and thrust once more.

— Cum for me, Clarke... —he growled, his fingers pressing hard on the erect tip of her nipple with the other hand.

And it was then, Emilia began to tense under him, he felt how the muscles of her wet walls pressed against his cock, whispering Kit's name while an orgasm more devastated her body. Hearing his name being uttered during her orgasm was enough for Kit to lose control of her senses, and two savage thrusts later, he moaned loudly and spilled inside her.

His body fell over hers, burying his face in the curve of her neck, Emilia settled and wrapped her legs around his, holding him there, still beating and spilling inside her. Her breasts rose and fell agitatedly, sweat dripped down their bodies and the silence was interrupted, once again, by their uncontrolled breathing.

They stayed there for a while until they managed to calm down a bit more, Kit felt her relax and retreated from inside. Emilia turned to one side with her eyes closed, without uttering a word, and he saw his own semen slipping between her thighs.

He got up and walked to the bathroom, where he wet one of the towels he found there, went back to the room and passed the wet cloth between Emilia's legs, cleaning her. She didn't move, she was completely asleep in seconds, and he couldn't avoid to observe her.

She was naked and drunk, but still she was the most beautiful thing his eyes could see, to see her sleeping peacefully and apparently relaxed, with her hair in a mess and her cheeks still red from what they had just done.

And only then, the piece fell.

_"What did we just do...?"_

Kit opened his eyes, when the reality had just hit his face in such a way that it almost knocked him to the ground. But he didn't want to think about it; He was tired, sleepy and with alcohol still walking through his veins, messing with his thoughts.

He looked at the clock in the room and saw that it announced the entry of another hour; a quarter to five in the morning. Then he decided that he would leave any crisis of his conscience to resolve it later, when he was ready to think clearly. He threw the damp towel on the floor and went back to bed, behind Emilia, stretched some sheets, covering them both and hugged her waist, joining his bare skin to hers.

Kit rested his head on the curve of Emilia's neck, feeling the sweet scent of her hair, mixed with the drinks and smoke of the party, and letting himself be carried away by fatigue, he closed his eyes and he finally fell into unconsciousness, forgetting completely the condom that he had never used lying on the floor next to their clothes.


	3. Same old mistakes

**Belfast, July 2018.**

Emilia woke up hours later feeling the heavy and swollen eyelids, the ceiling of her room turned in circles around her when she dared to open her eyes and turn around to find her phone on the side of her head.

The pain shot through the walls of her skull as her fingers lit the screen of the device, which lit her face in the middle of the gloom. What was she thinking of drinking inordinately the night before?

_7:07 am._

She left her phone in the table and tried to sit with her elbows on the mattress, she barely remembered being very animated at the party, she remembered the moment when she took the stage with Kit, and only then, the latest events swirled in her mind like a tornado, throwing her back on the pillows.

What had she done...?

She quickly realized her nakedness under the sheets and that she had woken up alone. At what point had Kit left? Why had not he awakened her?

She had fallen back into the same hole she had avoided stepping on for months, feeling even more guilty than before and angry, with Kit but especially, with herself. She ran her hands over her face to clear her mind and a chill ran down her body as she pulled the sheets away and sat down suddenly, causing more circles to circle around her.

A slight prick in her intimate area made her remember everything that had happened inside that room, between those sheets that already she felt cold, what both had done when their senses succumbed to the alcohol effects. And for the first time she felt the real guilt writhing inside her, squeezing her heart.

_“Emilia, what the fuck did you do...?”_

She swallowed, letting the secretion pass through her dry throat.

_“You knew that this was not allowed, that it should not have happened and you just...”_

Her eyes filled with tears when she felt weak, stupid and alone again. Her mind had done nothing but play with her, making her remember how she had felt him once more between her legs, inside her and above her body, with her lips on his, feeling his hot breath on her neck, while her sensitive skin, pearled with sweat, rubbed against his.

Her phone insistent vibration caused her to return to reality, knowing that she had unread messages and unanswered calls, and when her hand went to the device the fear took hold of it, fear of what she might find there.

She blinked and the first thing she did was check her inbox and among several others, only a four word message made her heart race.

_“We need to talk.”_

She quickly wrote an answer and sent it without thinking.

_“I see you in an hour, in the same place as always.”_

She put the phone back on the table and shot into the bathroom, probably everything was wrong between them, she knew that both had to clarify many things after what they had done, and that perhaps nothing would turn out well at the end, but at least she would see him one more time.

• • •

After taking a shower, Emilia was brushing her hair when suddenly, her cheeks lit up when she looked at the used condom inside the garbage at the side of her feet, instantly the last night memories appeared in her still stirred mind, making her want to repeat it again.

Although it was terribly wrong.

She scolded herself internally and went back to her room, still with the towel wrapped around her body and trying to find something to get dressed, she heard the incessant sound of her phone being muffled by the sheets on the bed, she approached and when she saw who was doing a video call to her, she slipped her fingers on the screen and answered.

— I thought that you forgot the treatment we had —Lola said from the other side reclining by the head of her bed —, just because I am miles away you think that you can leave me in oblivion.

Emilia gave a nervous laugh, frowning deeply.

— Good morning to you too —she greeted her, tossing the orange sweater onto the bed and dropping to the side —. Sorry, last night I had no opportunity to sit down and tell you how the party was, with details.

— I guess you were so drunk that you forgot your name —her friend joked, taking a steaming cup to her lips and turning her attention to her phone again —. There were photos and videos where you were so happy with Jon Snow and the DJ.

Emilia tensed immediately, remembering what had happened just after that. And knowing that it would not be long until her best friend discovered that something was wrong.

— Emilia...? —Lola looked at her with a frown —. What happened with you two? —she asked directly.

Emilia looked away at the wrinkled clothes on her bed, her silence disturbing her friend, even as much as herself.

— What happened, Milly? —Lola insisted, opening her eyes when she realized the situation — Did you not...?

— Yes... —Emilia murmured, making Lola sit on the bed and leave her cup somewhere in her room.

— What...? Are you serious...? —she asked between hysterical and incredulous.

Emilia nodded, looking back at the camera, completely embarrassed.

— What do you think, Lola? It was the best thing that happened to me in weeks —she sighed —. But it was a mistake —she began to despair —, we are friends and he is married now... This should not have happened!

Emilia got up and took two steps towards the mirror, realizing that she looked really pathetic, then her thoughts returned to reality when she heard Lola's laugh.

— How _“we are friends”_? —Lola made quotation marks with her fingers when she mentioned the last words —Seriously...? Emilia, we already talked about this.

Emilia snorted irritably, it was typical of Lola to mock her at the least opportune moments, but of all the times in which they had fucked, she had never felt so needed to have him inside her.

— We almost fucked in the kitchen and then when we went to my room... you know Lola, without more details —she murmured.

It did not make sense, but Emilia felt that she had to keep everything else for herself, because Kit was still her friend, was not he...? Lola had a fit of laughter, interrupting her thoughts and worsening the headache she still felt.

— It's not funny, now I don't know what to tell him or how to act with him and the worst thing is that I provoked him. Of course he did not help either, telling me I was beautiful and having an erection on my ass, but I provoked him and now I don't know what to do! Damn it, Lola, If you keep laughing, you'd better hang up! —she said, losing her patience completely.

Lola took a deep breath, looking back at her friend.

— Okay, I'm sorry... I know that it's not funny, but what the fuck, Emilia? —she apologized, drinking again from the cup she held in one hand —. I don't want to say that I told you, but I told you that it was a bad idea that you went to that party alone. What do you want to do now?

— I don't know —she answered uncertainly.

Lola snorted, rolling her eyes.

— Forget it, Emilia. It was just sex, both were drunk, talk about what happened and go over that. It's nothing special to fuck drunk with a friend —Lola said.

— Married, Lola —Emilia said, approaching the mirror —. That's the detail.

The pain was still hammering in her head, Emilia looked at herself in the mirror, seeing her own reflection, then let out a sigh as she remembered Kit's lips on hers, his taste, the intensity with which he kissed her and pressed her against his body and the wall, the way he touched her.

Of all the times she could remember, he had never given her so much pleasure in that way; Kit was voracious, he woke her, literally. Something that nobody had done before, not even the other men that she had dated before.

He had made her feel him, he tasted her, made her go crazy.

They had fucked when it was precisely what she had been avoiding for weeks, failing miserably. But Emilia did not want to forget, even If she knew that she would lose, or that maybe she had already lost her friendship with Kit.

Her Kitten...

She moaned his name so many times that night under his body that she lost count, she gave herself completely to him and did not even feel uncomfortable. But still it was wrong, completely wrong; they were friends, he was married, all the times that they had fucked before had already been in the past and nothing could exist anymore.

— Try to ignore it, Milly... —Lola whispered —. Forget it.

— I have to go —she said, trying not to let the tears return to her eyes and ignoring her friend last words —. I have some things to attend before returning to London, I love you.

And without waiting for her friend response, who had begun to look at her with regret, she hung up the call and placed her phone on the table.

— Forget it... —she whispered with conviction, trying uselessly to convince herself.

She dropped the towel in front of the mirror, standing naked and began to dress, knowing that it would not be easy to look back into those dark eyes without thinking about how ashamed, selfish and stupidly in love she felt.

• • •

Kit tried to calm his nerves, while his fingers made the small spoon spin in circles inside the coffee cup that had begun to cool in front of him.

And when he finally saw her through the windowpane, approaching from the other side of the street with her blond hair and those ridiculous shoes that she always insisted on using, aware of what he was doing, he observed her with admiration.

He could not get her skin wet with sweat from his head, her red cheeks, moaning his name with a hoarse voice under his body, those eyes that radiated love, while they fucked as they had for years. Every inch of skin he discovered in her, every one of the curves of her body to which his hands were already accustomed, then watching her walk towards him, his mind wandered beyond the memories of the last night.

He remembered that smile that appeared on her face and hid her eyes behind her cheeks, letting out a laugh that could illuminate his darkest days, the way she hugged his waist in the days of intense cold that had lived during the long years working in Belfast, her sense of humor and her dirty mind, those eyebrows that had a life of their own when she had some naughty idea, her soft citrus scent with a touch of jasmine, her explosive personality and the way she had been able to make him feel at home, each and every one of those days in which she whispered a “I'm here with you.”

Because she had been his home, always.

And regardless of his duties as a public person, he had a life and it had taken him too long to realize that the perfect woman who had been part of his life for years was not the same one with whom he was actually married.

And she had always been there, for him.

A bitter taste rose up his throat as he remembered her watery look on his wedding day, just by looking into her eyes at the entrance of that church, he knew that she wanted to talk about things she never said in the end. Things of which he was only aware at that moment, sitting in the least crowded cafe in the city, in the middle of those walls that had seen them both going from friendship to love, before he was in charge of destroying everything by deciding to step forward and leave her behind, believing that this way he could find peace and, at the same time, discovering that his misery had only deepened looking for those same blue gold eyes, in the eyes of another woman.

Perhaps he had not measured the pain he caused her the day when, with a lump in his throat, he said _“Yes”_ to an expectant Rose in front of him on the altar and a _“This is the end”_ to an Emilia sitting in front of him with the heart squeezed inside her chest, and knowing that he had hurt her without measures, he hated himself.

When she came to him with a friendly smile and her tousled hair, he tried to suppress his thoughts. Ignoring the fact that he felt stupid and ashamed.

— I think we decided to standardize today —she began jokingly, referring to the color of the clothes they were both wearing, although her voice sounded lifeless —. I'm sorry for making you wait —she continued talking before sitting in front of him.

 _“I'm sorry for everything I did to you”_ Kit thought, but he just nodded and tried to draw a smile on his face that came out more like a grimace.

— Don't worry, I needed a coffee as early as possible —he said looking at her, while leaving the spoon on the plate.

 _“That has already cooled...”_ she would have said challenging him with accusing eyes, but instead she just nodded and looked at her hands resting on the table.

When a conversation between them had become so cold and uncomfortable?

When Kit woke up that morning, holding Emilia in his arms and watching her sleep so quietly, he didn't have the courage to wake her up. Then without a sound he let go of her grip, and after looking at her for what seemed like an eternity, he left a kiss on her forehead, moving away, picking up his clothes and leaving the room.

Kit was willing to talk to her and settle things once and for all, he knew they both needed to forget that, maybe that was what his mind needed to stop tormenting him with memories, a sincere conversation putting an end to that story. Swallowed and tried to start bluntly, but he didn't know what to say when he had her in front, all those words that were constantly turning in his mind were stuck in his throat.

— Emi... I don't even know where to start —he said in a sigh—. Everything that happened, everything I did... what we did —he put his hands to his face without being able to look at her face.

Emilia also didn't know exactly what to say or do, until that moment she didn't understand the reasons why she provoked him, after resisting and promising that she wouldn't do it, never again. But that night she wanted it and she didn't even stop to think about the consequences, she surrendered to the desire, she gave herself to him and once again, it was better than she could have imagined.

— Kit, no —she stopped him —. I know I'm also to blame for something that should not have happened —she lowered her voice and looked away from the window.

— I had to control myself that night, you were... drunk and me too —he murmured leaning on the table —. Emilia, look at me.

He asked, and once again her mind remembered when he said those same words, that night while he gave her pleasure with his mouth. Emilia turned her eyes to him and looked directly at him, but then, her gaze fell to his mouth, she closed her eyes for a moment, the taste of those lips appeared in her mind, because she still had the memory of that mouth walking over the skin of her body, but anger began to bubble inside her.

— Don't want to blame alcohol —she said, suddenly cold —. You and I know it was not that.

Kit looked at her surprised by her change of attitude, he knew it was not just that, but... How would he tell her? How would he tell her that he had been in love with her for years but had decided to marry another woman?

— And according to you, what was it? He answered with the same tone —. Please, we were out of control, Emilia.

— Kit I just... we, we need to forget this —she murmured with a lump in her throat, feeling how her cheeks burned, did not he...?

— I agree —he said with his eyes still on hers —. I just wanted to apologize to you for all this, I know it shouldn't have happened that night, or any of the previous ones.

Kit didn't have time to absorb the words that came out of his mouth, and when he realized what he said it was too late.

Emilia felt how her world collapsed with those last words, even though he was probably right, that didn't prevent the pain in her chest and the difficulty of breathing that gripped her.

 _“Just forget it”_  she remembered her friend words.

— I'm sorry I caused you so many problems, you and your marriage —she whispered on the edge of tears —. You're right, If I had controlled myself from the first time, now we wouldn't be apologizing for how stupid we were in believing that ours would have a future.

_“Ours...”_

Emilia stood up slowly, her vision blurred by the tears, dragging the chair on the floor with her legs.

— Where are you going? —Kit asked worriedly, getting up too.

— I shouldn't have come —Emilia said, swallowing her sadness and letting out the rage —, as well as I shouldn't have gone to that party alone.

— Wait, what are you talking about? —he asked confused.

— Just forget it, Kit —she said moving away from him —. We'd better keep believing that we've never been more than just co-stars in Thrones... nothing more.

Then, she picked up the small purse where she was carrying her phone and left the cafe, taking with her the broken heart and the tears that she had refused to shed in front of him.

As she walked, she watched her feet moving on the sidewalk and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater. Then a hand grabbed her arm and turned her towards him.

— What are you doing?! Did you go crazy? —she asked when she saw him in front of her, trying to hide her nervousness — People can see us!

— If you think I'm sorry for what happened, you're wrong —he said looking at her eyes full of tears —. That was not what I meant, Emilia.

— But you said it! —she came close enough to face him —, And you don't know how stupid I feel now, I know it was a mistake, that shouldn't happen... but I did not expect you to say that you regret everything we live.

— I know —he said on the edge of despair — I know I'm an idiot, but I don't want to lose our friendship.

— Friendship? We are adults and mature enough to overcome this but, what do you want me to do...? —he asked, furious —. How could I feel to watch how you go on with your life while I sink more and more?

— Emilia... —he tried to speak, but he felt disarmed.

How would he tell her that he realized too late that he was in love with her when he was already married to Rose?

— No, Kit. Please don't play with me anymore and get away from me —Emilia said taking two steps back —. I have suffered enough during all these years, but let me tell you that despite everything... I don't regret anything.

And with that she left, leaving Kit standing there, watching the woman of his life move away from his.

Perhaps forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my bad english once more. Thank you for read it. ;)


	4. Without you here

**Italy, August 2018.**

The sea breeze shook her short blond hair, her fingers traced random circles on the wooden table, while her gaze was lost at some distant point in the ocean.

It had been weeks since Emilia's friends had organized a trip in her honor, holidays to celebrate that after almost a decade she had stopped filming for Thrones, although it would be months before her contract finally ended, she was free and finally, she had said goodbye to Daenerys' silver wig.

Because somehow, she would take the Mother of Dragons with her, forever.

One of the first places in which they spent more time was in Sardinia, a beautiful island that she fell in love inmediately, and if Lola's plan had been to distract her and make the smile back to illuminate her eyes, she succeeded.

After an intense week of events to attend and old memories of her past that made her feel empty, she had finally recovered the joy that characterized her, touring several Italian places, surrounded by people she loved and deeply grateful for having them in her life, while she refused categorically to think, mainly in him.

Since she had left Kit standing in the middle of the streets of Belfast, watching her walk away from him with tears burning in her eyes and a lump in her throat, she had refused to reply his messages and answer his calls.

All those words that had never been said.

Every night before closing her eyes and letting herself be carried away by unconsciousness, she thought of him, of course she did, unable to avoid it, she wondered if he was okay, if he would still think about her, as if with that she could go through all the distance that separated them, to reach him and tell him that although things hadn't ended well between them, she would always be his best friend.

_“— I was born to rule the seven kingdoms, and I will... —she said, completely serious, looking into his eyes._

_The silence lasted for a few seconds in which both seemed to have forgotten that they were with many people and cameras around, challenging themselves with their eyes. Then, Kit tilted his face and she didn't miss the grimace of anger on his lips before speaking and then, a smile broke through her lips and her laughter rumbled on the set as she clapped her hands while they heard the shout “cut!” from the director._

_He approached her with great steps, denying and smiling._

_— No! —she shouted, before Jon Snow wrapped Daenerys Targaryen's small body in a warm embrace._

_— You're going to destroy my braids! —she said, trying to control the laugh — Kitten, stop!_

_— I can't believe you did it again —he said, smiling —, it was going to be perfect! —he complained._

_But seeing her smile made him feel full and happy, and she loved it._

_— I'm sorry —she apologized innocently, while making a pout with her lips._

_— It's the last time I forgive you, Clarke —he said trying to look serious, then she laughed again —. I know that it's difficult to control yourself, having this handsome king in the north in front of you... —he joked._

_— Oh, of course —she moved her eyebrows —. If you stop provoking me with those lips everything would be easier —she whispered so that only he could hear it._

_— I would never do something like that —he defended himself._

_— We continue, guys! —someone shouted behind them._

_Then he approached and whispered in her ear before walking away._

_— Maybe I could show you what these lips can do one night of these, your grace._

_And leaving her with red cheeks and the heart skipping beats inside her chest, he left her standing in the middle of the set, smiling and wishing the night would come soon.”_

She had lost count of how many times she had cried for him the first few days after returning home, and with her friend's encouraging smile and a warm hug, Lola had convinced her that everything would be fine, that life would continue and that in some moment she would get over it, even though she knew that it would never happen.

Not after she had known the true meaning of happiness during those years in which she had been his and he had been hers.

Years that would never return.

— I can't believe we didn't catch a damn thing the day we went fishing —she heard Lola's shrill laugh from the other side of the kitchen —, when someone was supposed to be an expert.

— Emilia scared the fish —David defended himself, making everyone laugh.

— It's not true, If you weren't so drunk that day you might remember that you fell into the water just as I was about to catch something —she complained, returning to reality, intruding on the conversation.

— The sober young lady, who hid the last bottle of wine we had.

— Because If I left it in view, you would also finish it —she said, looking back at the sea that swallowed the last trail of reddish orange sunset through the balcony.

A round of laughter echoed through the walls mingling with hers, as they cooked. Her holidays were coming to end, and the next day some of her friends would return to their normal lives full of jobs and responsibilities, after almost a month away from London, but she had decided to extend her stay for a few days and Gommie had offered to accompany her.

— Are you okay? —Lola asked, approaching by her side.

She frowned and turned to look at her friend.

— Yup, why? —she asked, then she turned her gaze back to the sea in front of them.

— You've been absent most of the day, besides you look tired —Lola said, worriedly.

She giggled looking at the sky.

— We haven't slept well in weeks —she said, as If it were obvious —. I think that at this point we're all the same, and little more tanned —both laughed with that.

— I'm glad you're better and smiling —Lola confessed without looking at her —, or at least you're trying.

— It hasn't been easy —she said, honestly —, but being with you all helped me a lot, these have been by far the best holidays ever and I will miss you.

— It won't be for long, soon we'll all be together again, drunk and happy in some damn London bar.

— Ah, I cannot wait —she said sarcastically and they both laughed again.

— Dinner is ready, gossips! —someone shouted behind them and they turned, walking to the dining room with smiles on their faces.

The dinner passed between wine, jokes and laughter, until someone thought of drinking a bottle of vodka and everyone accepted instantly, Emilia felt that she would no longer be able to drink after weeks of parties and sleepless nights, but because it was the last time she would be with all her friends, she accepted.

Lola took care to hold the bottle with the transparent liquid and distributed the shots to each one.

— I'm not sure If I'll control this anymore —Emilia said looking askance at the small glass between her fingers, but Lola was already filling it with alcohol.

— Oh please, don't be dramatic —she said.

— Cheers! —her friends shouted.

And they drank as she leaned over and raised the glass to her lips, then emptied the content inside and everyone applauded when they finished.

It did not take more than three seconds when a bitter taste rose up her throat where the alcohol had gone down burning and instantly she pressed one of her hands over her mouth, rising and staggering to get to the bathroom, leaving her friends behind, scared.

That night she felt sicker than ever, she threw up what little she had eaten, her legs failed when the retching became deeper, then David came and picked up her hair that had fallen on her face, while Lola knelt by her side to see her pale face on the edge of collapse.

— I knew something wasn't right —she said, caressing a hand down her back —. You're more pale than a ghost.

She didn't respond, feeling the terrible need to threw up again.

Then someone handed her a glass of water and for a moment, that seemed to calm her stomach upset.

— I'm fine —she murmured, sitting on the bathroom floor, when she caught her breath again —. I've drunk too much alcohol in the last few weeks, that's all.

They all nodded and after making sure she was okay, they helped her get to the living room. Maybe everyone believed her, except for her best friend who looked at her suspiciously sitting in front of her and when the others left them, she finally confronted her.

— Are you sure you're okay? —she asked after a long silence —. Is not the first time you feel bad so far this week, the last time we were in Sardinia you almost fainted and blamed the heat and I came to believe you, but now that you have worsened I don't know what to think.

— I know exactly what you're thinking —she said hoarsely —. And no, you're wrong because that's not it.

— And according to you, what is it? —she asked again, looking at her eyes.

— Is nothing and I'm fine, okay? —she whispered, getting up to go to her room, still feeling her stomach twisted — I just need to rest and tomorrow I'll be better, I promise.

Her friend looked at her hesitantly, but ended up accepting her words, then she got up and gave her a hug.

— Sorry, I didn't want to ruin our last day together —she whispered against her shoulder.

— Don't be ridiculous, we will have better days —Lola said, stroking her back —. Go to rest, I will talk with them.

— Thank you —she said, then she walked to her room with nerves and anxiety still stirring inside her, but also knowing that her friend was wrong.

She had to be completely wrong.

But what had that been?

• • •

Emilia woke up the next day feeling that the room in front of her eyes was sinking into a deep spiral, and there was again the same sensation with which she had woken up for a whole week.

She flatly refused to accept that it could be what her best friend had implied to her the first time she vanished playing tennis under the blazing sun two weeks ago, and believing that she had only been dehydrated or not fed well, she closed the assumption with a simply “I'm fine”.

But what she tried to ignore had started to bother her terribly in the last days, fatigue and lack of appetite had never been part of her daily routine, but they used protection the last time... didn't they? She could remember the condom even If she did not remember at what time of the night they used it.

So it could not be that, she thought.

She got up slowly, trying not to increase the intensity of the dizziness that made the walls dance around her and then she realized that it was just dawn. At that moment, Lola came to her room talking endlessly about how much she had enjoyed those holidays and how excited she was to meet up with them again for her birthday.

— You're alright? —her friend stopped in front of her bed, paying attention to her for the first time since she entered.

She had already lost count of how many times she had asked to her the same thing in recent weeks.

— Y...yeah —she whispered, trying to look as normal as possible to avoid a new conversation that, certainly, she did not want to have with her —. I just woke up now, is it too late? —she asked, touching the knots in her hair absently.

— Almost, we couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you —her friend said approaching her and sitting on the bed — I know you're not well and I don't want to leave you, but I have to work and you have to go to the doctor when you return to London.

— I will —she accepted, without intending to argue with her again — I promise.

Then Lola came and hugged her that made her feel a little better.

— It's okay, go and take a shower that we will wait for you for breakfast.

— Okay —she smiled kindly, making her eyes swollen from sleep hide behind her pale cheeks.

Soon after, she was sitting surrounded by her friends, trying to pass a piece of toast down her throat without throwing it up in front of everyone.

— I hope you enjoy what's left of those holidays —David said looking at Oliver and then, at her —, that were undoubtedly one of the best.

— And take care of each other, mainly take care of her, which can be easily lost —they all laughed.

— As If no one knew me —Emilia rolled her eyes, pushing the plate toward the center of the table.

— We will miss you both —Lola said.

— We don't —Emilia replied, smiling and moving her brows.

— Asshole.

A round of laughter was heard again before they got up to say goodbye and after several hugs and jokes, their friends left the house. She only reached to embrace everyone wishing them a good trip and dropping some tears when she embraced her best friend, feeling a void in her chest like the one she hadn't felt since that time in Belfast, a month ago.

• • •

Her toes sank into the hot sand as Emilia felt the wind blow, stirring her short golden locks, while she watched the salty waves crashing on the shore.

— What are you thinking about? —her friend asked, sitting next to her and crossing her legs.

— In how beautiful this place is —she sighed, without looking at him.

— Are you okay now? I was worried last night —he asked.

— Yeah I'm feeling better now, babe —she replied with a weak smile.

— I didn't want to ask you before, but I've noticed you distant since the wedding —her friend said, looking at her sideways —, it would be stupid to ask you why you're like this. But after that I saw you happy at the last HBO party, I thought you two were okay.

— That party was a big mistake —she murmured, spitting the words —. Lola was right, I shouldn't go alone and even though I had a really good time that night, I did things that I shouldn't. Things that torment me every time I close my eyes to sleep.

_“Things that make me feel guilty”._

She finished the sentence in her mind.

— I think you should never regret the things you did for love —he said, squeezing her hand with his.

And then, she looked at him for the first time, with her eyes already full of tears.

— What am I supposed to do now? —she said in a trembling voice —. The last time I saw him, he told me that nothing we lived must have happened, how am I supposed to live with that?

And the first drop slipped on her cheek.

— Oh believe me, Kit didn't think that. He would have to be the most idiot man in the world to say that and it's not like I'm defending him —he said slowly —. Maybe he didn't think about what he was going to say... and you know, sometimes people hurt us without realizing it.

— I really think you're defending him — she let a small smile curve her lips and he laughed.

— No, but we always have to stop for a moment and think about what the other person is feeling —he said.

— From the beginning I knew that this would never work, so I decided to get away from him —she said with a sigh, looking again to the sea —. But then we started working together for the seventh season and each day it was harder to control ourselves. Both of us had promised that we would never let our feelings ruin our friendship, but we failed and now, we're like two strangers.

— You know that If it is for you, he will return, right? —he said suddenly, making Emilia look at him carefully.

— Don't ask me this again, he decided to get away from me and well, it's over. I have to continue with my life.

— He really wanted to do it? —he asked, surprising her.

— I suppose so —then, she remembered the messages and calls that she never answered.

— I think you should talk with him again, without arguments.

— I don't even know how to look at him after everything that happened between us and in less than a month I'll see him again —she said, touching the sand.

— You're excited, and it's not a question — he said with a half smile.

— Sometimes I think I talk with my brain when I talk with you —she said with a smile —. And yeah, I'm excited.

— Don't blame yourself for that, it's nice to be in love even If love sometimes destroys us.

— You know I love you, don't you?

— I know, but it's good to hear it again.

She hugged her friend, feeling really good for the first time in weeks and it wasn't long before the cameras, interviews and false smiles returned.

Before she returned to put her life in order again.

• • •

**London, August 2018.**

— How is the most beautiful baby in the world? —Emilia greeted with a big smile the boy sitting on the floor around his toys —. And the best mom that my godson could have?

She straightened up and looked at her pregnant friend smiling at her

— We're fine, Milly. I'm glad you came to visit us, lately it's been hard for me to leave home with Harry and this huge belly— she joked —, but tell me. You look so good after your holidays!

— I'm better, Tash  —she sighed with a smile, looking at the ceiling — It was amazing!

Both laughed, then something sounded in the kitchen, interrupting their conversation.

— Oh I forgot, you arrived shortly before his lunch, so your next challenge will be to feed that baby.

— Please don't tell me it's rise again —she raised her brows.

— It is! —her fried shouted.

— Oh my God, do you remember how was the last time? I take hours to free my hair from grains of rice —she laughed, approaching to carry the baby.

— How could I forgot that —her friend said retuning to the dinner room with the food —. It was so funny.

— I'm a mess —Emilia said to Harry when he looked at her —, come here baby boy.

She carried the baby and then, the boy looked at her closely for a moment, when his lips trembled and unexpectedly, he started crying.

— Hey, what's wrong with you? —she asked, caressing one of his tiny hands while his mother came closer.

— Shhh it's okay my love, I'm here... You'll say I'm crazy, but he reacted the same way shortly before I realized I was pregnant —her friend commented and Emilia felt all the muscles in her body tighten immediately —. I think children can feel that.

— What? —Emilia asked, nervously.

— When a woman is pregnant —the she stopped looking at her suspiciosly —Milly, it wont be that you...? —her phrase died in the air when Emilia stopped her.

— No —the child cried harder and she passed him to his mother, wiping her sweaty hands on the jeans she was wearing —, definitely no.

— Why are you nervous?

— Because it can't be. Lola insisted about the same thing but she's wrong, I'm not with child.

— Why she did that? —she asked sitting the baby in a chair.

— Because I felt bad and I threw up once —she admitted with a lump in her stomach.

— And...?

— And nothing, I'd my period —she could only remember that it hadn't been normal like every month, she hadn't even felt pain, but she bled and that was enough.

— Sometimes that happens the first few months without us noticing. Believe me, you're talking with a person who is almost mom again —her friend said approaching her, caressing her cheek — I think you should do a test to get rid of doubts.

— I... I can't —she murmured, looking at her shoes —. I'm scared.

— Oh honey, I understand... but If you say that it isn't possible, nothing happens.

 _“I'm not sure about what I said”_  

— Wait a minute —Natasha left the room for a moment. Then she turned to see the baby playing with the spoon and spilling the rice on the table.

_“This has to be a dream”_

— This is for you —she said when she returned, extending her arm and handing her a pregnancy test box.

Emilia froze looking at that box, unable to articulate a word.

— Take it and do it when you feel ready.

_“And If I'm never ready?”_

All her thoughts began to turn in her mind, confusing her, frightening her like never before. And that night when she arrived at her house, she avoided looking at that apparently forgotten test on the bed, trying to think about other things. But the nerves were costing her and, in the end, her thoughts returned to that damn box that could have her future written inside.

“Where are you now?”

Shortly after midnight she finally sat on her bed, looking at the box in her hands, still trying to believe that her friends were wrong and after reflecting on how delaying it wouldn't solve things, she locked herself in the bathroom.

Not many minutes passed when she didn't need to hold the white plastic above the sink between her trembling fingers to see the result, Emilia stopped a moment looking at the test, then she sighed and looked at her reflection through the mirror, while a lonely tear slid down her cheek.

Two pink lines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me the whole life to write, but I'm satisfied with the result. Thanks for read it and we'll see what is coming with the Emmys in the next one. 😉


	5. Truth

**Los Angeles, September 2018.**

The words were drowning around her, muffled by her thoughts while her mind was far away from that place. If before she had been excited because the ceremony day finally arrived, at that moment, she couldn't be more than nervous.

— Emilia...? —her stylist asked, returning her to reality.

— Sorry, what did you say? —she blinked and looked at her, confused.

— Our little star is nervous! —the woman who was arranging her dress joked, kneeling in front of her.

— I said you should go to put your shoes —the Asian woman smiled at her, as she lightly squeezed her shoulder.

— Yeah yeah, of course. Thanks darling —she smiled back, trying to hide her discomfort.

They had already finished fixing her hair, make up and dress, but they still fluttered around her, correcting some details so that she could look beautiful on the carpet, but she felt that at any moment she would run away to avoid seeing or talking to him.

Something that would hardly happen, at some point she would have to confront him and tell him the truth.

_“But how...?”_

There was her mind again, disturbing the calm she had lost weeks ago.

Since she realized about her pregnancy she hadn't slept well, spending the nights throwing up and thinking about how she was going to tell Kit, deeply fearing his reaction. Emilia knew him so well in every aspect of his life, but she had never before experienced a similar situation, as him.

She even reconsidered the idea of being silent and not saying anything to him, but she deleted that idea immediately, she couldn't do that, not to him and less to their child.

— At what point did things get so complicated...? —she sighed as she looked at her still flat belly covered by the thin blue fabric of the dress.

She had cried every time she reread the messages he had sent her, asking for her forgiveness, that he had realized his mistakes too late but that he wanted to repair them, that nothing was what she thought.

Emilia asked herself what he meant by that one, but she never dared to reply him again. Even without talking to each other, they both knew where they were and probably imagining what they were doing, just spending a few minutes on the web.

If another situation were between them, she would send him pics of each place she had visited in Italy or make jokes about how handsome he looked attending the TIFF. But she had moved away despite he had been the one who decided to put a distance between them, marrying the woman who had once been his co-star.

Before her.

— Are you ready? —her best friend asked entering the room, but she stopped her steps when she saw her —. Holy shit you look so damn beautiful, Milly.

Emilia laughed, turning on her heels.

— Do you think I'm already fat? —she asked, raising her eyebrows.

— No way —Lola said approaching her —, you don't even have boobs, what did they do to you?

— It's the dress —she said, showing her a smile.

— Well... It's time to go, they're waiting for us outside — Emilia looked at her with concern.

Lola had gone crazy when she called her in the middle of the night, wetting her phone screen with her tears, telling her that she had been right. She just hung up the call and minutes later she was knocking on her door, ready to give her a hug, to tell her that everything would be fine.

That night Emilia cried in her arms until her head hurt, looking like it was going to explode, she only stopped for a moment when Lola told her that her life wouldn't end because she was going to have a baby.

Then she could feel guilt cornering her, making her heart beat faster, shaking her chest. And it was enough just to look her friend in the eyes to realize what she could not see before.

 _“Of course I want this baby that is already growing inside me, but I'm terrified, what am I going to do now...?”_ —she said in that moment with words that came out burning her throat.

And that same question hadn't left her mind since then.

— No worries, Milly. I'll be with you and everything will be fine, Thrones will win tonight —her friend encouraged her, taking her hands between hers.

— I feel like I'm acting like a child, but please don't leave me alone unless I ask you —she whispered.

— Even when are you going to present? —she tried to joke and Emilia raised her eyebrows while two lines crossed over the skin of her forehead —. Well, it's normal to be nervous and scared for not having seen him for weeks and to have ignored all his messages and calls.

— Ugh don't make me feel worse, just promise me that you will be there for me as long as necessary —she smiled softly before she hugging Lola —, please.

— It's okay, I will. I promise.

• • •

Emilia had spent the short trip posting some pics about her outfit on the social media, having something to distract her mind despite feeling her stomach twisted again and when the car stopped, her heart did it too.

As usual the place was full of celebrities, photographers and journalists. It would be easy to smile, pretending that everything was perfect, it would even be easy to avoid talking about the last season and the end of her character, but she knew that it would not be easy to see Kit without him realizing that something was wrong with her.

She could be an actress and very good at lying, but he knew her too well that she could never hide things from him for too long.

 _“You couldn't do that anyway”_ , she thought.

The screams began to grow louder as she approached the golden carpet, followed by her best friend and the person in charge of directing her to the entrance. Her smile appeared automatically on her lips when the flashes flicked in front of her eyes.

— Emilia, please here! It's Emilia Clarke! Emilia...!

The intermittent flickering of the lights had begun to make her feel dizzy, the same thing that always happened to her, but on that occasion she had a big reason to feel really uncomfortable. She ignored the screams of the photographers asking for more pics and quickly she left, leaving the interviews to the end of the event.

She continued smiling, holding Lola's hand as she entered and greeted some of her mates she had seen first. Then her heart stopped when she turned and saw him standing a short distance away from her, looking exactly at her.

Her stomach twisted further and all the words she had rehearsed before seeing him, vanished from her mind. Emilia couldn't deny that he looked handsome in that suit, with his perfectly cut beard that always tickled her skin and his hair, that curly hair that she had caressed so many times, that hair she had squeezed with her fingers every time he entered inside her.

 _“What the hell are you thinking about...?”_ she scolded herself while feeling her cheeks burning.

Kit smiled to her and she felt melting, but the reason spoke faster and she stiffened, trying to avoid him to go sit in her place, she looked away and walked with Lola by her side.

— You won't want to change seats this time, right? —she asked her close enough to make her skin crawl, remembering all the times she had done it before to be close to him.

— Why would I do it? —she asked raising an eyebrow and looking at the stage.

— Because in spite of all you're dying to be at his side —her friend provoked her.

— What...? Shut up, I don't —she said, turning to look at her.

— Of course —Lola said, sarcastically.

Some time after, the ceremony began and Emilia couldn't stay still in her seat, turning her head every time looking for him with her eyes. She couldn't get distracted with absolutely nothing during the passing minutes crawling slowly, until they called her to go behind the scene to prepare herself to present the category.

She knew that she could find him there, or maybe see him from the stage, the only thing she didn't want was to feel sick at that moment, but she couldn't understand the need to have him close despite her desire to avoid him at all costs.

If her friend could read her thoughts, she would joke saying “Damn hormones of love” and make her laugh. But that was the worst moment to joke about this, mainly when she came in and hit against him at the backstage entrance.

Emilia stopped short and looked at him shocked, not knowing exactly what to do or what to say, it had been too long since she was speechless in front of him.

— Hey, Milly —he greeted her trying to get closer, but then she reacted and stepped back, stepping on the blue tail of her dress.

— Hi, Kit —Emilia said and she sounded more cold than she had really imagine.

— How are you doing? —he asked to her and his velvety voice gave her chills.

— I'm okay — _“I've missed you...”_ , she thought. Then he walked again to get closer to her.

— Please Kit, don't do it —she whispered, feeling her tears approaching fast.

— We have to talk, Milly —Kit said, ignoring her. She looked directly into his eyes for the first time since they had seen each other again. 

Emilia had always loved the way his lips pronounced that nickname.

 _“You're fucking in love with him...”_ she remembered Lola's words after smiling with red cheeks every time she spoke about him in the past.

— Yeah... I guess —she said with a trembling voice, playing with the rings around her fingers.

— I have many things to tell you —Kit murmured standing in front of her.

_“I have too...”_

Emilia realized his closeness and her own fast breathing, hating the fact that Kit knew perfectly how to make her look weak by just looking her in the eyes. Then someone called her name behind and she reacted, walking away without him moving to follow her.

— I've to go —she said with a small smile that didn't reach her blue-gold eyes.

Then Kit had understood that she wanted to stay away from him and that hurt more than he could imagine. Her indifference hit him hard when he realized that he had never considered the idea of what it would be like to live without her.

He definitely had to talk to her and tell her the whole truth.

• • •

The cast was on the stage, euphoric and happy with their awards while Emilia talked absently with Nathalie. After the ceremony ends all were led to another room for the press conference, as winners.

Emilia had been more tense than normal, because after the presentation they changed the places so that the whole cast could be sitting together, she in the middle of Lola and Nicolaj, behind Kit. She had been emotional with the marriage request, and when she returned to reality, her fingers were on Kit's shoulders.

He turned around surprised and he could see her smiling for the first time in that night. Sometimes he could hear her laughter that made his chest vibrate with emotion and for a moment, everything seemed to be as before between them.

Even when they won he grabbed her waist for a few seconds before going on stage and she almost hugged him, making him feel happy for the award, but even more for having her close.

But after the bubble exploded, she was distant again.

Kit was the first to go on stage and while everyone was settled in their places and the questions began for the directors, he couldn't stop looking at her laughing for something Nathalie said at her side. In front the people and the cameras she seemed as If she was enjoying the moment, but he knew it was her defense mechanism to hide how nervous and frightened she really felt.

And when he came back to reality he looked stunned to the audience while a journalist started talking and only then, he was aware of his own nervousness when he heard his name along with hers.

— This question is for both, Emilia and Kit If you could both step to the mic, please — the bustle of the audience spread through the room when they were appointed to walk to the front —. Since you avoided us on the carpet...

At that moment Kit looked at the man confused and offended, since that had been disrespectful to mention, then Emilia approached by his side when he continued.

— How had life changed for both of you because of this project...? I mean what really has happened in your lives because of this?

Emilia smiled tense and feeling how her hands were sweating, she looked at Kit. What kind of question was that? Exactly for them two? She was speechless.

She looked inquisitively at her co-star with raised eyebrows, waiting for his next move, then he reacted and approached the microphone.

— Yeah okay, sorry —he cleared his throat, feeling all eyes on him, and lamenting for his next words having her so close, he felt a complete idiot, but he had to say it —. I met my wife in this show, so in that way it gave me my future family.

Emilia tried that those words that had been hanging in the air didn't affect her, but it was too late when she felt her heart clenching in her chest as the air left her lungs, then some people clapped and others murmured.

She forced a smile, but the sound each time became more distant, her head began to spin and she could see Lola worried in front of her before burying her fingers in Kit's arm to avoid falling on the ground.

— Are you okay...? —he asked, confused, holding her arm.

— I am —she whispered, looking at the audience that waited expectantly for her response, while everything was spinning around her —... I just need... my friend.

— Milly...? Please look at me —Kit asked worried caressing one of her cheeks.

— Where is Lola...? —Emilia whispered when her vision blurred, she blinked to focus his face when suddenly everything sank into a deep black spiral and then, the voices around her went out.

A collective scream spread all over the place when she collapsed in Kit's arms, he was only aware that some people ran to surround them and ask the same questions that his mind had asked, while whispering her name near her motionless face and stroking her cheek with his fingertips.

— Emilia... Milly, please wake up —Kit gently patted the skin of her face, trying to wake her up, increasing his nervousness with the passage of seconds.

The people murmured around both of them, leaving him more anxious.

— Damn it! —he murmured when he realized that maybe half of the world had seen what happened.

He more than anyone else knew how cruel the dark side of the world could be to her, even before stopping to think about the idea he already knew, that he had to protect her from these people, from that world that would eat her alive in a few hours through all the internet sites.

Kit slipped his hands under her tiny body and pressed her against him to raise her.

— Open the damn step! —he exclaimed, trying to find the exit of that place, while he felt Emilia's weak breath against his neck.

• • •

When Emilia opened her eyes again she was sitting somewhere she hadn't seen before, the strong smell of alcohol hit her senses as she realized that her friend caressed her right arm while some people she didn't know looked at her worriedly, then she turned her face and there he was, kneeling by her side holding her other hand.

— Emilia...? —he asked relieved to see her with eyes open —, how are you feeling?

She frowned confused and returned to look at Lola who had moved to be in front of her.

— I think it's time to go home —she said, looking at her.

— What happened? —she asked looking at her and then at Kit.

— You were about to speak when you fainted —she said —. I arrived just when Kit held you before you hit the ground.

Emilia looked at him, scared.

— Do you feel better now? —he asked approaching when she tried to stand up.

— Y... yeah —she stuttered, how had that happened? Then she remembered his speech and her stomach cringed.

— Come on, Emilia. Let's go home —Lola repeated but she stopped her.

— No —she said —. I want to go to the after party.

— Definitely no —her friend said, serius.

— I don't know If it's a good idea —Kit added, sinking his brows deeply and she looked at him.

— Of course is not a good idea —Lola was still looking at her, as If her gaze could tell her to move her ass to return at home.

And only then, having her so close, Kit could notice the bags under her eyes that the make up hadn't been able to hide, signs of crying and sleepless nights.

— You should go to rest —he continued, trying to convince her.

— I want to go there —she said, looking at her friend.

— Okay —she nodded, finally —, but the first time you feel bad we go home —Lola warned her and she nodded, curving her lips in a smile.

— I'll take her by force If she doesn't want to —Kit said, still worried.

She looked at him for a moment, tense and nervous, he was even more handsome up close, her gaze was directly lost on his full lips and then she quickly turned her eyes away trying to ignore the sensations that her treacherous body made her feel at being close to him.

— Don't be dramatic, Harington. I'm fine —she said, trying to sound serious.

— In that case, I'm going with you both —he said, pretending to fix his tie —. I'm going to take care of you tonight.

Then Emilia could feel the chill going up her back.

— I know how to take care of myself —she murmured that, but in reality she thought that having him close enough it would be so difficult to keep her secret for more time.

It took several minutes until Emilia stopped resisting and let Kit accompany them both and as the night progressed, she felt that the time was getting out of her hands, that at some point it would be that time to talk seriously with him.

 _“How am I going to tell you...?”_ she thought, seeing him sitting by her side inside the car.

Kit turned his head when he felt that she was looking at him, then Emilia turned her eyes to the window, concentrating on the lights of the city that passed in a blur in front of her, through the polarized glass.

• • •

Many people were already celebrating when they arrived at the HBO after party and Emilia began to feel nervous again, knowing that this time she couldn't avoid the interviews. She had to stop for some pics, but she avoided all the questions that were not exclusively about Daenerys or the tv show.

Fortunately her friends had gathered around, strangely most of them avoided mentioning the incident of the press conference, just asking If she was fine and Emilia was grateful for it.

She had left Kit while he was greeting some people and taking pictures, but she knew that he still kept his eyes on her. Lola had started to drink sitting next to her, and when she saw him talking with Peter with a glass of some rare drink in his hand, she cursed internally.

And before she could even open her mouth, her friend spoke first.

— I don't think you should drink alcohol after all... of that —Lola moved her glass between her fingers.

— I won't —she whispered, still looking at him without disguising.

— I'll do it for you during the next what...? seven months...? —she joked and Emilia finally looked at her.

— Shhh don't say that... here —she approached her friend.

— What...? Everyone will know it, Milly. Even If you don't hurry to tell him —she pointed Kit with her glass, who wasn't looking at them.

The place wasn't completely dark, the colored lights illuminated in a way that created shadows moving over them. It was then when she looked at Kit's hand that held the glass and she sighed as soon as she saw the golden ring on his finger.

— I will, Lola —she said, getting up —. But not now.

— Where are you going? —she asked, taking a swig of her drink.

— Loo —she said before disappearing in the middle of people who drank and talked at the party.

She wanted to cry, knowing that she couldn't at that moment, then she walked to the back of the room where a balcony gave way to the lonely garden of the hotel, where at least, she could breathe without feeling pressure. Emilia walked on the stone stairs, with the only sound of her own steps and the music that was becoming more and more distant as she walked away.

Her dress was so thin that only then she could realize the cold breeze that strangely was blowing that night in LA. She stopped and looked at the lights of the city that were blinking in the distance, she pressed her phone between her fingers then she sat reclining by the wall, near a rosebush.

_“All the HBO parties I've been to lately ended up with me without clothes, in your bed or in mine...”_

She smiled melancholy with that thought, then the device vibrated twice in her hands and she lit it, only to see her friend's message with a “He's looking for you”.

Emilia was typing a response when his voice made her stop immediately.

— We loved doing this before, do you remember...? —she didn't turn around, she kept looking at the bright screen of her phone.

Then, she closed her eyes for a moment.

_“...look at the lights lost in the distance, the sky wrapped in darkness, the two of us embraced, while others dreamed and we tortured ourselves thinking about the future that we would never have together. Yes, I remember it.”_

She responded with words drowned in her mind that he never heard.

— Can I sit with you? —he asked.

— Do it —was the only thing she could whisper to him.

She managed to type a simple “He's is here, don't look for me” before sending the message and blocked the phone again and finally, she looked up and looked at him, but he was not looking at her.

— Do you feel better now? —she looked away — What was that, Emilia? Are you sick...? —he asked hastily, turning his head and looking at her at the same time she looked at him too —. I was so damn scared when I saw you unconscious in my arms —he continued, frowning deeply.

— I'm fine, I just have to tell you something. But honestly I don't know how to start or how you're going to react —she tried to be honest with him —. I'm scared, Kit.

— Hey, Milly. I'm here —he said, trying to ignore the fear behind those words —, you know you can trust me.

He hesitated for a moment, then he put his hand and squeezed hers on her lap.

— I know —she whispered, looking at their hands. Kit thought that she would move it away, but she did not.

— If you want I can start first, then If you feel comfortable you can tell me —his lips curled slightly in a smile.

— Start then —she said smiling softly to him, making him feel grateful because she was willing to listen to him and he couldn't lose his chance to clarify things with her.

— Well, I hope this time we can have a civilized conversation —he joked but immediately became serious, turning his body to face her —. The things that happened, what I did, the things I said... everything has an explanation.

Kit hadn't took his hand away from hers, while Emilia waited for him to continue, expectantly.

— I had to do it for her, we had agreed that it would be a good way to help each other in our careers that were just beginning —he stopped when she frowned in confusion —. We were both forbidden to talk about it with other people, making them believe that everything was real. And I know, I was so stupid not telling you. The only one who deserved to know it. I regret every moment I made you suffer, Emilia. Believe me, but I thought it would be better for you...

Emilia could feel her heart beating fast when he continued.

—... that you would find someone who really deserved you and made you happy, because somehow I felt that we didn't belong to the same world, despite having felt alive since the first damn time I met you in Belfast —Kit smiled for a moment, making her curving her lips too.

— Then everything got complicated when they suggested the wedding stuff, believing that with it we could cause some kind of positive impact, but that was not exactly what happened.

— They knew it —she said thoughtfully, interrupting him, as If she remembered something —. Our Thrones friends knew it and I hadn't realized it.

— Some assumed it, I agreed to help her, Rose knew it. And despite we had something serious in a short period of time in the past, that was over when we got married.

— Why didn't you tell me? —Emilia sighed heavily.

— Because I didn't think that this would end so badly between us, that we would remain the same as always...

— But you never told me, and I was so deluded to not realize something so common in this industry —she laughed humorlessly, looking up at the sky.

— Emilia, this was planned to end after the end of Thrones  —he said seriously, looking at her face as If he could pierce her thoughts.

— So what now...? —she asked with her already watery eyes.

— She got what she wanted, but I got lost... losing you —he approached her and caressed her cheek with his fingers —. I'm so sorry.

Emilia denied while her hand reached his hand that caressed her face.

— You're never going to lost me —Kit's heart filled with something warm with her words, but she still looked sad —. But we both get hurt, how do we should continue with it when there are too many things in danger now...?

He frowned.

— I don't know, all I know is that all this time away from you made me understand that no matter how bad it could be, by your side all the bad things disappear —he brought his face close to hers, then she closed her eyes feeling his warm breath on her skin — Milly, I don't know what I would do without you and I was so stupid to realize it too late —Kit closed his eyes when she stroked his beard with her fingers —. I failed you so many times that I hate myself for it.

— Kit us... we can't do anything while you're with her, as long as everyone believes that —she said, ready to move away from him.

— Who said that...? —he replied, tracing her lips with his.

The electricity ran between them and although both knew that it was dangerous and that someone could see them, suddenly none cared about. Emilia sighed as a lonely tear slid down her cheek, then Kit ended the distance between them and his lips finally captured hers.

He kissed her softly, tasting her lips, then Emilia pushed her tongue, letting him know how needy she felt. He ran a hand across her naked neck, pulling her closer to him while the other hand slid down her arm, the sour taste of the drink he had drunk mixed with her breath when she moaned between his lips, sinking her fingers into the curls of his dark hair.

Kit sucked her lips when he kissed her fiercely, removing any lipstick that was coloring her mouth before. It had been too long since they had shared something as intimate as a kiss, but they had to stop, someone could see them and she still had to tell him something.

Her heart was beating wildly inside her chest, making her feel pulses in the temples and lower, between her thighs. When the air was drained from her lungs she let go of his swollen lips, Emilia rested her forehead against his without opening her eyes, she didn't want that moment to end but then, he looked at her.

She was panting just like him.

— What did you do to me, Clarke? —he whispered, caressing her partially blond hair with his fingers.

Emilia didn't say anything, she just watched him the seconds she needed to breathe to calm herself, then she straightened slowly.

— It's the same question I asked myself every night that I tried to forget you, the times when my friends looked at me as If they couldn't recognize me —she sighed, blinking to get away the tears from her lashes —. I was sunk in despair for trying to tear you from my life, and then, when I thought I could control that feeling I came home more scared and confused than before and a small piece of plastic confirmed that it would be impossible... that although I want it, I would always take you with me everywhere, for the rest of my life.

— What do you mean? —he asked, blinking confused.

— During my holidays something wasn't right, I started to feel tired and sick and then when I returned to London I realized that... —she sighed deeply and looked straight at his eyes —. I'm pregnant.

Her last words were dancing in the air, while Kit looked at her, static.

— What...? —he asked in a weak voice.

— I didn't know what to do and how to tell you, it was totally unexpected, even though I had already suspected it the first time I felt sick —Emilia continued, but Kit wasn't able to move even a muscle.

Then he returned to reality, when her blue-gold eyes full of tears looked at him expectantly for an answer, Kit sighed while two of his fingers pressed the bridge of his nose in a clear act of nervousness.

— Are you telling me you're going to have a baby? That you...? —he stammered and as strange as the situation was for both of them, Emilia's lips curled into a weak smile that made her eyes stretch, letting out some tears.

— I'm telling you that we are going to have a baby —and for the first time since she realized about it she felt it real.

Kit raised his brows and looked at her again, as If there were nothing else around her and then he smiled, hugging her. Emilia was surprised at first, but she didn't move away, she just closed her eyes and rested her chin on his shoulder, feeling his scent that had always made her lose her senses.

— Oh my God, Milly. Is this really happening? —he asked, stroking her back — I'm going to be a dad?

— You will —she whispered and although he couldn't see her, he was sure she was smiling — Kit what will we do now...?

— Keep loving us? —Kit joked and he could hear her laughter before breaking the hug to look at her.

— I won't have much time until it start to notice —she said worried and Kit looked down at her belly.

— Well, I guess the divorce will have to go ahead —he smiled, touching her cheek —. Once I told you I would never leave you, right...? Now it's time to remind you again.

Emilia didn't answer him when her phone screen lit in her lap, vibrating loudly. She seemed dazed as If she suddenly remembered where she was and what they were doing.

— Hey —she answered the call looking at her hands.

— Where the hell are you both? —Lola asked from the other side of the line —. They need you here.

— We are already going —it was the only thing she said and then, she hung up the call.

— Well it's time to work, Harington —she said while getting up at the same time that he did too.

— We still have many things to talk about —he said, fixing his suit —. Morning, breakfast, what do you think?

— It's okay —she said simply, completely forgetting that she no longer had lipstick on her lips.

Her heels echoed on the floor when she started walking, but suddenly she stopped and turned to look at him.

— I can't deny that I was afraid of your reaction —Emilia said, sincerely — but I knew you would never leave me alone.

— And I'll never do it —Kit replied when he reached her, extending his arm that she didn't refuse to accept with a soft smile —, Miss Clarke...?

Then they walked together back to the room, without noticing that in the distance, a paparazzi had just turned off his camera, removing from it a memory card that contained a sequence of pics that could make him rich just dropping them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this one, thank you for read it ;)


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